Ted's Diary
written by Amen Ra (Ted) The Alpaca of Distinction

Hi, my name is Wellground Amen Ra, (better known as Ted) I am an alpaca – yes! I really am!  In fact, I am the Alpaca of Distinction. 

I have been thinking (and eating hay), and I think the world deserves to appreciate me just as much as The BOSS and "Other Half" do.

It seems to me that now I am older (I am now nearly 2), by putting down some of my many life experiences in my Diary, while I eat more hay, everyone can gain fantastic insights into their everyday lives, and eat hay.

Eating hay is a key part of being a superior being, just look at me - I eat hay and I am definitely superior, so that must work. Let me eat some more hay and think about that for a while.

Yes, I am sure the world would be a better place if we all ate hay!

Now that I have solved the worlds problems we can get back to a more important subject - ME.

I am the Alpaca of Distinction. I know that's true because The BOSS says so, and she is never wrong. "Other Half" thinks so, too, because The BOSS told him to think that, so all the people on the farm believe it.

Using the "Advertisment Method" of calculation; If 100% of the people on the farm know it to be true then obviously 100% of all the people in the world believe it too.

Well now that we have settled that I must eat more Hay.

Anyway, let's get started with my masterpiece (the BOSS's idea - in the form of a Diary) ......I live in the green 7 acre island of Little Gem Alpacas farm on the planet Devon. I am extremely well travelled, I have actually travelled to the furthest fences of my world and back.

Here is my masterpiece -

March - YOTT2 (2nd Year Of The Ted)

Thursday 2nd March– it was a nice sunny morning, just catching a few Z’s, chatting with my mates….. you know the kind of thing. When suddenly the ‘Blue Bag’ appeared by the catch pen!

I don’t know wether (don't like that word !) I told you the significance of the ‘Blue Bag’ yet? well usually something horrid follows its appearance – nail trimming, injections, that kind of thing, almost as scary as the 4x4 belonging to the V-E-T.

Not today thank goodness – not my turn, ha ha! My pal Fred’s in trouble; - there’s three of them come to get him! He’s such a wuss, just stands there and lets them do anything they like – that’s no fun.

As I’m a celebrity (well, a ‘web-celeb’ anyway), I am quite used to having my photo taken – it all started the day I was born. When they all stopped laughing – humans and alpacas - out came the cameras (humans only) to make the most of a bad job!

Fortunately it was a lovely sunny day, I sat there with my eyes closed, listening to all the rather unflattering comments about my slowly drying fleece. Us alpacas are very proud of our fleeces, and mine is very special – well I think so! I’m an Alpaca of….Well, you know!

It began with, ‘Good thing he’s a boy’ from the ex-boss (Lesley), then ‘He’s mostly black’ from ex-boss’ other half (Bob) - always the optimist! New BOSS (Sue) began to laugh again ‘Looks a bit like Father Ted from the TV’ – so there you have it! In the space of half an hour from the Mighty God of the Ancient Egyptians, Amen Ra, to an Irish priest on the telly. Was that a good start or what?

I have persuaded the BOSS to put some of the less embarrassing pictures of my nativity on my photo page. I have always been photogenic – its because I’m an "Alpaca of Distinction"!

Click here for my photo page

Saturday, 4th March: Never a dull moment round here, it must be the weather, all this sunshine. Nail trimming again. My turn I think! No Blue Bag, they think they can fool me, but I know what the BOSS has got behind her back!

Ok, the kids are watching – must make the right impression boy! I sauntered into the catch-pen, let them chase me around a bit. It makes the whole operation more fun! I let them catch me, but just as the BOSS caught hold of my back leg I decided to lift up one of my front ones – that caught her off balance, and me a bit! Now how could I make this more interesting? Suddenly it came to me - lift ALL my feet off the ground at once!

That threw THEM and caused a bit of confusion. Remembering the kids were watching, I felt they had been entertained long enough, so I let BOSS have her way and gave in gracefully – it paid off as the job was finished quickly, she said I was a good boy after all. However, the down side of all this – I had to suffer being kissed and cuddled by her! Yech! And in front of the kids! Well I suppose that's life when you are an "Alpaca of Distinction".

Monday 6th March: The sun is shining and all is right with the world – for me that is! There seems to be a bit of a fuss up in the middle catch-pen. A few moments ago the Ladies were herded up, ready to go into the top field for some munchies when the BOSS and her Other Half shut the gate on them, very deftly, I must say, keeping just the two young girls in the pen.

I knew things were not going so well when the Blue Bag appeared, yet again! Poor kids! Now that Jet ( she’s got really sexy legs ) was quite well behaved while she had her nails clipped, but I caught the look in her eyes when she saw the needle!

‘Look on the bright side, kid,’ I sneakily said to her, ‘remember when they put the microchip in! Boy, Did that smart!’ but instead of taking heart at my words, she started to really struggle, somehow I don’t think I reassured her at all.

I tried again. ‘Look, Sexy Legs, A,D&E jabs are part of growing up, its for your own good.’ I smiled at her over the fence, just as she felt the needle go in – well would you believe it, not even a flinch. Just like a women, all that fuss about nothing!

Did she thank me for my kind interest? not on your life; she gave me a haughty stare and skipped off to find the others.

Women! I will never understand them!

Tuesday 7th March: Rain – all day – boring!

Wednesday 8th: RAIN, RAIN, RAIN!

Thursday 9th; Rain for a change!

Friday 10th;  Still RAINING!

Saturday 11th: I live in an AREA OF OUTSTANDING NATURAL RAIN!!

Sunday 12th: Well, what’s new? Hey, its RAINING! ......I wonder if they would let an alpaca travel to Southern Spain - Sun, Sea, Sand, and S.. !

After all I AM an Alpaca of Distinction – and us stars do need some rest and relaxation – away from the crowds, catching a few rays, doing what comes naturally – Holiday…Oh Yes!

Thursday 16th March: Guess what? It’s not raining! But the wind is cold enough to do the vet’s job around my nether regions!

It’s been "all change" round here – again! Fred and I have been relegated to the stud paddocks, whilst Ivory (the new guy) and the kids, have been moved into the paddock next to us. No big deal. Except now they are in between us (or should I say between ME) and the GIRLS!

I’ve been watching that guy Ivory! What does he think he’s got that I haven’t? OK, he’s a bit bigger, but he’s WHITE – all over! Personally I can’t see the attraction. All white is so very last season! Sorry Alex! (I have to be careful with farm stud Alexander, he’s standing the other side of the fence and looking at me! He’s just a bit Macho and very white – OK, I admit it suits some alpacas!) But this new guy Ivory – he’s forever showing off to the young ladies and just look at them! Rolling around, legs in the air! Any one would think its spring down here in Devon!

That Boadie, she’s far too young for that sort of behaviour – but Jet….. Hey, New Guy, leave Sexy Legs alone! He’s only trying to kiss her through the fence! Hey! that’s my girl! I saw her first!

Oh, well, I suppose I shall have to get used to this type of competition; - so few available girls and so many handsome, macho males to choose from – well three of us, anyway. Of course being an Alpaca of Distinction, I should be first choice – but then being a web-celeb as well - when would I have time for such frivolities – just try me and see!

Sunday 19th March. Did I mention the wind?  I mean, did I mention THE WIND! This is real DEVON wind, what they call "gales" in other parts of the country. It's strong enough to blow your fleece inside out!

Mind you, it also blows the fleeces of the girls! That "Sexy Legs" Jet, she looks really good with her fleece around her waist! Not that I was looking, you understand. I think someone must have mentioned it to me. Honest!

When I face into the breeze I can smell the seaside, it's only 5 miles or so away. I wonder why the BOSS doesn't take me there for a visit? I'm sure they'd let me on the bus. I mean, an Alpaca of  Distinction ought to appreciated more, ought to go out more, or when the Hollywood talent scouts find me, I might be tempted........!

Tuesday 21st March. It's just as well I'm an "Alpaca of Distinction", with superior mental powers, or I wouldn't have realised all the changes around here were the BOSS lady having another of her "bright ideas"  to improve the farm. She's probably trying to impress me, now that I'm a web-celeb!

Poor old "Other Half",  he's having to take down the fence he built a few weeks ago, just to keep the BOSS happy! She has great plans; lots of them! and she says that's what takes all the effort, NOT carrying them out! I think "Other Half" might disagree with that!

Thursday 23rd March. I've been listening to the BOSS and "Other Half" talking about something called "Spring". They seem to think it's here now. I gave it a lot of thought while I lay in my shelter watching them get wet, (strange creatures, these humans!) and I think they have confused all this rainwater with an underground river!

If they'd only asked ME in the first place, I could have given them the benefit of my obvious wisdom.

"Other Half" has finished taking down the fences he put up in my paddock a few weeks ago, the BOSS is pleased with her great idea. I can't see what she is so happy about; open-plan dining areas went out years ago, - they're so expensive to keep warm!

Saturday 25th March. It's a bit difficult to see across the paddocks to "Sexy Legs" and the rest of the herd, "Other Half" says it's low cloud. I just stood in my dry shelter and watched him get wet while he sorted out the feed and cleaned up the hay,

I had this brainwave! I could write about life on the farm - I'd call it something catchy, like "Alpacas In The Mist" or something. Of course I would have the starring role, being a web-celeb. But then I found a problem - try as I might, I can't hold a pen.

"Other Half" thought he had come up with the solution, but then he couldn't find a waterproof laptop with alpaca size keys! This is a great shame - I have had some original suggestions for film or book titles that might interest me in my spare time  I've got a polar explorer book "Scott of the Alpacas", and a sci-fi film "Star Wars - Return of the Ted-Eye", then, of course there's always "Super Ted" on the T.V.  I could star in that,- after all, I am an Alpaca of Distinction, you know!

Sunday 26 March. I was most embarrassed this morning. "Other Half" brought me my breakfast as usual, ( he's SO well trained - I take all the credit for that, of course) but he caught me still wearing my pyjamas! We don't have this "British Summer Time" in Peru! I don't even have a clock to change! AND what a strange time to have it! The BOSS and "Other Half" said Spring was last Wednesday! THAT didn't last long, did it!

And to make things worse, because it was also "Mothering Sunday" the girls got extra food - WE didn't! So what I want to know is; when is it Ted's Sunday?

Tuesday 28th March. We got to move into different paddocks today. You'd never guess just WHO I ended up next to, would you? SEXY LEGS! I spent most of my time snuggling, and smooching, and whispering sweet nothings in her ear.

What I wouldn't give for a pair of wire cutters! If one of my loyal followers could just smuggle a pair in to me, it really would be "Ted's Day"!, (and "Sexy Legs" Day too!)